Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.