I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.