I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.