“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Seek kebab; not attention
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?