I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You Might Also Like
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.