*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud