I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
only 11 steps left
[shakes fist at other fist]
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k