My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Extremely relatable.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was