You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
blocked.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”