If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.