[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that