evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing