The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.