Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Ok but actually
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.