I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty