Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.