food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single