Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The little toadstool has spoken.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
They’re stuck in your pants?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.