My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Coffee is ready.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.