Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.