If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*