Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or