judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.