ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year