bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Same pineapple, same
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.