My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table