Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.