who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend