“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“You’d better run, egg!”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
technically true but not a great slogan
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.