If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
two people or more is called a problem