Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.