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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/