If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I have no passwords left in me
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.