“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
True statement👍😏😁
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.