My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Passwords are more important than ever.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine