Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”