Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?