Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
You Might Also Like
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?