When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”