are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Left at a local drug store…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.