Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
my mind
You just read my mind
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.