I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?