“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”