I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.