I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you