Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around