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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
had to make it
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.