My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Practicing safe sax
There is no “we” in pizza
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.