THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
No, he would not have.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “