Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face